Top Guys Fight Club (Part 2)

This week on The Top Guys Podcast, we remain in the Top Guys Fight Club.

The question is simple: if you could fight anyone — real or fictional — who would it be, why are you fighting, what’s at stake, and are you walking away with the win?

Naturally, the answers are completely unhinged.

We get into fictional rivalries, legendary martial artists, cartoon grudges, public service beatdowns, childhood trauma, government chaos, utility bills, and one man’s highly specific mission involving Destro and a certain someone from Cobra.

It starts as a fight card.
It turns into therapy.
Then somehow, we end up talking about oranges.

Welcome to Top Guys Fight Club.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:10

And seam. Wow.

SPEAKER_03 0:14

The real Ghostbusters.

SPEAKER_00 0:15

Devon is incredulous. He hates me.

SPEAKER_03 0:20

Let me let me make sure I understand. The the stakes are utilities.

SPEAKER_00 0:25

Utilities.

SPEAKER_03 0:26

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 0:29

I am doing a public service.

SPEAKER_03 0:31

Doing a public service.

SPEAKER_00 0:32

For my brethren and neighborhoods.

SPEAKER_03 0:34

Okay, wait, wait, wait, I I have questions. You beat them all down.

SPEAKER_00 0:40

Yes. Three.

SPEAKER_03 0:42

Okay, you leave one.

SPEAKER_00 0:43

No, I mean, I can't. I don't think I can whoop ass on Ernie Hudson. Not even now.

SPEAKER_03 0:48

Okay, fair. Fair. Alright, so there is basically one Ghostbuster left.

SPEAKER_00 0:53

Mm-hmm. He runs my ass over with the Ectomes.

SPEAKER_03 0:56

Okay. I was just like, I like utility is one thing, but like ghosts getting out and having no one to bust them became my next concern. Like you beat them, the ghosts then become the problem.

SPEAKER_02 1:11

But see, there's the thing.

SPEAKER_00 1:12

I am a closed-minded human person who doesn't believe that the Ghostbusters are actually busting ghosts like they say they are.

SPEAKER_02 1:22

Because I have a $2,000 water bill and I need some fucking answers.

SPEAKER_03 1:30

That's fair. That's fair.

SPEAKER_01 1:33

My light bill $1,500. I'm gonna kill you.

SPEAKER_03 1:40

I'm not mad at it.

SPEAKER_00 1:41

My apartment is the size of a closet. Somebody must answer for this.

SPEAKER_03 1:52

Yeah, I I like it.

SPEAKER_00 1:57

Divine thoughts. I have none.

SPEAKER_02 2:03

I have none. Like that's your fight. Like you wouldn't unleash hell in New York because you want to fight your electric bill. I don't know. I don't know what to say. This man would go back in time and just like look for butterflies to stop. No zing.

SPEAKER_00 2:44

How do I ruin all of this?

SPEAKER_04 2:59

So okay, all right.

SPEAKER_02 3:14

Who would I want to fight? So I guess the format is I think you could do either one.

SPEAKER_03 3:20

You did Okay. Bruce Lee was both. I think you could go either way.

SPEAKER_02 3:25

Oh man, you know, in my earlier segment, I was making a joke about wanting to maybe beat up a kid or something.

SPEAKER_00 3:37

I'm gonna kill Dennis DeMenais.

SPEAKER_02 3:41

Like, I wouldn't want to beat them up, but I would want to like give some serious eyeballing to Lucy Van Pelt. Cuz the stuff she has put my man Charlie through. Like, I don't believe in putting your hands on kids, but Lucy.

SPEAKER_03 4:09

I understand. I understand.

SPEAKER_02 4:11

Me and her, and for those who are who are listening and not being able to see what I'm doing, I'm doing that. I got my eyes on you hand gesture. You'll be the parent that she never had. Yeah. Yeah. But it's like obviously, like Lucy has never like dealt with like a black parent before.

SPEAKER_03 4:34

I was gonna say, like, when are we doing this? When does this encounter happen?

SPEAKER_02 4:38

Because if I see her pull that ball away from that boy, I'm gonna be looking across that football field, like, hey now. You see me? I know you see me. You stop messing with that big head boy. Do it again.

SPEAKER_03 4:53

Again, again, I'm wondering when you're doing this. Because if you're doing this in the early 60s, the police are looking at you as you look at her. But if you're doing it now.

SPEAKER_00 5:07

Why don't you why don't you bring in the civil rights movement into it? Oh my damn.

SPEAKER_02 5:11

I know. For real. He's like, well, you know you couldn't use a water fountain back then. You might not be wanting to be glaring at that that girl with the blue dress on while she torments that little boy. Just just calm down. Just calm down.

SPEAKER_03 5:43

Do not use it. Do not use it because then we can't we can't use the episode.

unknown 5:49

No.

SPEAKER_02 5:51

I'm just saying, from the perspective of a very fruit, bald-headed kid who tries to do his best and doesn't always see the results that he wishes would happen, but still yet comes back with a positive attitude. To watch this woman, this no young girl. Sorry, I was just thinking about it. Watch this young girl pull hope from this little boy.

SPEAKER_00 6:42

They're gonna make a statue out of Devon for what the captain is. They are, and they should for messing with this little white.

SPEAKER_03 6:52

Yes.

SPEAKER_02 6:53

So yes, the answer would be gonna we don't learn about Devon in school after this. Who would I want to fight? I don't want to fight her, but I want to let her know. I want Lucy Van Pelt to know. I want her to know.

SPEAKER_03 7:15

I have so many, so many questions.

SPEAKER_00 7:17

The oft-overlooked Christmas Addicts of the Civil Rights Movement, Devon Sanders.

SPEAKER_03 7:22

Devon Sanders is Christmas Addicts. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 7:27

I'm just thinking, man, like give that football back to that big head child.

SPEAKER_03 7:32

I'm thinking about the downstream impacts of this. Because you warn Lucy. Mm-hmm. Linus is her brother. Me and Linus. Linus now might have might want to square up. Actually, Linus would probably thank me. That's his sister, man. That's his sister. Like it's it's blood. Do you do you? I mean, I don't know. Charlie Brown would definitely thank you. Charlie Brown would be like, bruh, thank you.

SPEAKER_02 8:04

As the oldest of five boys, I have to suffer through this podcast with two only children who don't understand sibling dynamics. There have been times where, like, if somebody would have offered $2 and a Charms Blow Pop, I'd have given one of them away. You don't reproduce the questions after. Now, don't get me wrong. I love all my brothers. I love them the pieces. We're learning so much today. I love them the pieces. Shout out to my brother Nick, who would have been 46 yesterday. I love them all. But there have been some trying times. That's all I could say about that. I'm just so thankful to have what we have right now. But yes, I think if you caught Linus on the right day, he'd be like, well, hey, Charlie Brown, let's go to the baseball field and he threatened your sister.

SPEAKER_03 9:22

Man, I don't care. Somebody needs to do it. Yeah, he gave me a blue pop.

SPEAKER_02 9:27

You know, like he would be there like with his little blanket and then just be like, I I need to hit his lisp. Lucia was getting her cum upp at. Like, that would just be it.

SPEAKER_00 9:47

Glad I can help you, little children. It'd be like, Y'all go ahead and play now.

SPEAKER_02 9:54

I know. Oh, girl, go sit, chill no words. Dirty.

SPEAKER_03 10:00

That's what Christmas is all about, Charlie Brown.

SPEAKER_04 10:04

Learning to shut the hell up. Oh boy.

SPEAKER_02 10:23

So yes, that was fantastic. Van Pelt. Lucy Van Pelt. Locker room cancer.

unknown 10:47

Locker room cancer.

SPEAKER_03 10:48

Locker room cancer. I like it. I respect it. I love it. I absolutely love it. Did we say what was the stake? Just just doing the right thing?

SPEAKER_02 11:00

Just doing the right thing. Somebody needs to do right by Charlie. And who's not named blindness? That's fair.

SPEAKER_00 11:08

Some adult needs to come in there and just unwomp womp.

SPEAKER_03 11:12

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 11:12

Like, hey now.

SPEAKER_03 11:14

I know Schroeder would appreciate it. Yeah. He would dab you up. Yeah. Hey, thanks, bro.

SPEAKER_02 11:20

Yeah. Schroeder actually likes Charlie. So does Franklin. But it's like Lucy's just, she's a predator. Like, she's always buckling in. Like, oh, his little friends aren't around. Let me crush his spirit.

SPEAKER_00 11:49

You move that football one more goddamn time here. Let him kick it. Just just let him kick it. Shit.

SPEAKER_02 12:00

The women in my life are awesome.

SPEAKER_03 12:10

I respect what you're doing.

SPEAKER_00 12:13

Not all heroes wear capes, man.

SPEAKER_03 12:16

Not all heroes wear capes.

SPEAKER_02 12:17

Not all villains wear blue dresses.

SPEAKER_03 12:22

That's fair. That is more than fair. We should like expand on this as like a hit and run down the road. I want to know what the fallout is of threatening Lucy Van Pelt.

SPEAKER_02 12:40

It's only happening one good time. Because that's all you that's all I would need. Just that one good time.

SPEAKER_03 12:50

Okay.

unknown 12:50

Yep.

SPEAKER_03 12:51

So she doesn't tell anybody. She just shuts up and lets them kick the football from now on.

SPEAKER_02 12:58

I don't know, man.

SPEAKER_00 12:59

I mean, he ain't gonna do nothing to need to be like telling about. Like it's not like that.

SPEAKER_02 13:06

I mean, it ain't that deep.

SPEAKER_00 13:08

Relax. Relax. He ain't going on a list. Telling the child not to bully this big man boy.

SPEAKER_02 13:17

Last night there was a lynching in the deep. It's never that deep, Charlie Brown.

SPEAKER_03 13:30

Actually, that'd be the name of the episode. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 13:35

Cartoon. It's never that deep, Charlie Brown.

unknown 13:40

Wow.

SPEAKER_02 13:43

In this kids learn about class consciousness. Comrade Charlie. Oh my God. Charlie Brown learns about socialism. It's socialism, Charlie Brown. No, no one runs out of money. You just never get evicted. That's the game. Damn it.

SPEAKER_03 14:16

Oh man.

SPEAKER_02 14:18

Footballs forever is what I'm saying, man.

SPEAKER_03 14:25

Oh man.

SPEAKER_02 14:26

Age capitalism, Charlie Brown. That's why you'll never have a house.

SPEAKER_00 14:37

But I'm a cartoon or Nickelodeon.

SPEAKER_03 14:39

Doesn't matter.

SPEAKER_00 14:40

Doesn't matter.

SPEAKER_02 14:44

Which paywalls Charlie Brown, which is even worse. Oh never like. That's a whole nother thing. Man. Omar. Get this show back on the road. Who are you fighting?

SPEAKER_03 15:00

Alright. I was trying to boil this down to. I've got it down to two. Do you mind if I give you two real instances?

SPEAKER_01 15:11

Baby, you're running the software. Let's go. Come on, producer.

SPEAKER_03 15:16

The I'm gonna give an honorable mention to Jim Shooter. I want to fight Jim Shooter.

SPEAKER_02 15:26

Oh, he's dead.

SPEAKER_03 15:28

No, no, no. I'm talking I'm going back in time to fight during the 80s.

SPEAKER_02 15:32

Of course.

SPEAKER_03 15:32

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 15:33

Exercise.

SPEAKER_03 15:34

No, no, no, no. No, no. I'm going back. In fact, Bruce Lee fights me also, sends me back so that I can't fight Jim Shooter. I'm like, hit me so that I go back to the 80s.

SPEAKER_02 15:47

So hard.

SPEAKER_03 15:48

Yeah. Right around the time that the Secret Wars is being crafted because I have some thoughts and some edits I want him to do. That I don't think he'll do. That's my honorable mention.

SPEAKER_02 16:00

Okay.

SPEAKER_03 16:00

Yeah, I just want, I just want, I want the right to change things in Secret Wars.

SPEAKER_02 16:04

So why I why would you want to fight him though? Like, give me a specific.

SPEAKER_03 16:12

I want control of Secret Wars.

SPEAKER_02 16:14

That's it?

SPEAKER_03 16:15

That's it. I wanna, I wanna, I wanna do it. I wanna have it.

SPEAKER_00 16:18

Because there's a good chance that if you mess up Jim Shooter, we don't get a Transformers the way we know it. I didn't say end him.

SPEAKER_03 16:27

I said fight him for the rights. Hey, it's not that deep, Charlie Brown. I don't mention Jim Shooter.

SPEAKER_02 16:43

Six.

SPEAKER_03 16:45

Listen, I'ma have a ladder and like y'all two and a few other friends.

SPEAKER_04 16:50

Oh, wait on YouTube.

SPEAKER_03 16:52

Listen, Devon is already time travel. So he's used to it.

SPEAKER_00 16:56

Can I please let's make this very clear. I was born in 1985.

SPEAKER_03 17:05

Well then you'd be there. You might in the hole. He not gonna fight a baby. We've established that. Still, somehow, some way. When did Secret Force come out?

SPEAKER_02 17:23

Ghost larva Chris Scott. Shoot.

SPEAKER_03 17:25

I wanna say like like 80 84? Okay. Chris, I gotta look it up. Maybe I'll wait. I gotta fight him over something else.

SPEAKER_02 17:36

You gotta fight him by the last guy.

SPEAKER_03 17:38

Yeah, maybe, maybe that's what I'll do. Yeah. Alright, but that's my honorable mention. My my real one. And mind you, that this is I want to make sure that I get the the caveats. Secret Wars one by the way. A4, okay. Chris, I would have yeah, I would have loved to have had you there.

SPEAKER_02 18:02

Well, I mean, hey, it depending on if you do this, if you if you mount the offensive after the the the the Prince concert at Capitol Center, you might be good.

SPEAKER_03 18:17

It's fair.